Many people come into my office with anxiety, stress, or depression about a big change in their lives. Often, the change can be a negative one like a relationship loss, a medical diagnosis, or the death of a loved one. But sometimes, the change can be a good one like going off to college, having a new baby, or taking on a new job opportunity. These kinds of life changes can feel like the Earth is shifting under foot and transforming the world as you know it. Thrusting you out of your comfort zoneLife-shifts require mind-shifts — and therapy can be a great place to sort through feelings, adjust your perspective, and learn some really effective ways to cope. In this series of blog posts, I will address some of these big transitions and offer “life-shift tips” to help manage different situations.

Going Away to College.

It is a rite of passage for, not all, but many high school graduates. It’s an event that’s usually long in the making and when it arrives, both parents and students have a mixture of emotions – excitement, anxiety, sadness. It’s an adjustment for the college student but it is also an adjustment for the family left at home. Here are 7 life-shift tips to help students and families adjust to the changes that college has in store:

  1. Get Familiar – When a young adult goes away to college they are literally being transplanted out of the place they know as home into a brand new world to navigate. Touring the campus, attending an admitted students day, and orientation programs are great ways to get a sense of daily life at a school. If they will be using public transportation to go home on breaks, go for a trial run!
  2. Discuss a Communication Gameplan – Students and parents should have an open discussion of what makes sense for staying in touch. Getting texts from mom and dad randomly during classes can be a real disruption for students and can also impede the growth of their independence. At the same time, parents may be eager to know that their student is okay. Perhaps scheduling a weekly family Facetime, or a phone call at the end of the day, or a simple text every once in awhile to say “yes, I’m alive” will work best. Everyone is different, so have the talk and be open to tweak the plan if it needs adjusting.
  3. Be Realistic – The PBTeen-decorated dorm, the parties, and the great course offerings are going to be awesome! But let’s be real — there are going to be some days that just suck. Whether it’s an unfair professor, or getting the flu, or feeling homesick, or a messy roommate – college life is not going to be perfect. Understanding that and maintaining a flexible mindset is key to surviving those tough times. And I promise, friends’ Instagram stories showing all the highlights of campus life are not telling the whole story of their college experiences.
  4. Expect the Unexpected – Since kindergarten, everyone has been going along a similar path, but when college-age hits, life can take different turns and paths diverge. Sometimes the “perfect college” isn’t so perfect and students transfer. Sometimes the academic load is not what was anticipated and students fail classes, causing them to fall behind in credits and extend their graduation timeline. Sometimes physical or mental health issues arise and students need to take a medical leave of absence from school for a semester or two. Sometimes finances change and students need to make a switch to a more affordable college option. Point is – stuff happens. Maybe more than students and parents realize. If it happens, everyone will all need to adapt and move forward. It won’t be the end of the world.
  5. Create Your Home Away from Home – After years of grumbling about the house rules, this is finally a student’s opportunity to create a space, to create relationships, to create a life based on many of their choices. Students should take advantage of this opportunity to tailor things to suit them and cultivate a home away from home. With that said, taking some things from the family home or their bedroom can make their new space familiar and comfortable – like personal photos or a favorite plushie from childhood. While students may not have the proximity of family to support in the same way as in the past, creating new supportive relationships on campus will allow them to turn to new friends. It may not be the same as having mom or dad there, but it’s such an important part of growth to realize that they have the power to create close, meaningful relationships with others.
  6. Use Resources – Most college campuses have great resources to help students adjust to being away from home and manage change. Students should take the time to listen at orientation, read the posters that are up around campus, open the emails, and attend resident hall meetings so that they can learn about support. Resources can include: college wellness centers for medical and mental health needs, resident assistants for dorm and roommate problems, and for academic challenges there is tutoring, writing centers, academic advisors, and faculty office hours. Students shouldn’t be self-conscious about reaching out for support when they need it. They won’t be the only ones who are using these resources.
  7. Transform as a Family – For the parents and siblings left behind, it can be quite an adjustment to send a college student off. It’s okay to have feelings of sadness — no longer having the student living at home is a type of loss. However, it’s also good to think about ways in which the remaining family unit can not only survive but thrive. Maybe parents and younger siblings can plan to do things that their college student was never quite interested in. Maybe now parents have an opportunity to pursue more of their own interests — either as a couple or individually. Maybe a younger sibling gets to move into a larger bedroom or finally gets command of the TV remote control. And planning for the times the family unit reunites can be an opportunity to create new family traditions — such as having a meal at a favorite restaurant or attending the annual college football homecoming game.

If you’re struggling with a big change, therapy can help. Transitions can be difficult, but it is possible to move through them and get to the other side.

<Photo Credit: Tim Gouw via Unsplash>