Do you find that you’re very hard on yourself? Do you tend to pick yourself apart for minor things? Is it easy to give friends love, respect, and kindness, but hard to offer that same compassion to yourself? If your answers to these questions are “yes,” it can be comforting to know that this is common.
We can be our own worst critics.
This phenomenon is rooted in human evolution! Our brains are wired to use fear as a mechanism to protect ourselves from harm’s way. Fear can also be used as a motivating tool to try to push us to be on our “A-game.” However, this comes at a cost to our mental health — increasing feelings of anxiety and depression.
Self-compassion is a stronger, more effective motivator.
Research tells us that self-compassion is the answer to the suffering we experience when we ruminate and fixate on our perceived flaws and shortcomings. After we make mistakes or fall down, this practice is here to pick us up and help us grow. Ultimately, self-compassion gives us a greater chance at cultivating a healthier relationship with ourselves.
If you struggle with being kind to yourself, it can be hard to know where to start.
Self-compassion can be difficult to begin and it does take some practice. Here are some ways you can try your hand at being gentler and more encouraging with yourself:
- Write a letter to a friend/yourself
This activity prompts you to think about how you treat others in comparison to how you treat yourself. First, imagine a significant person in your life who has an issue similar to what you’re experiencing. If this friend or loved one comes to you while struggling with this problem, how would you typically react to them? Would you console them using kind words of support? Would you validate how they’re feeling and let them know they’re worthy and loved? Write a letter to this friend expressing your admiration and support for them. Now, reflecting on your writing, can you apply the same unconditional positive regard you have for your friend to yourself? Try writing such a letter to yourself. Focus on conveying compassion and empathy for the internal criticism you may be facing. It can be helpful to acknowledge that you may not be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Examples phrases to write can include, “It must be difficult being so harsh on yourself all the time. I wish you would be more forgiving and loving of yourself.” Then, write down comforting words to use in the given situation. An example could be, “Everybody makes mistakes. No one’s perfect and there’s no one right way to live life or handle everything flawlessly.” Really let the words sink in. Refer back to these letters repeatedly over time and check in with how you’re feeling. You may find these phrases start to become more natural to you as you practice.
- Reframe your inner dialogue
This is a great exercise to nudge yourself to challenge your self-critic. When you notice you’re starting to point out the perceived “flaws” you have, look out for the frequent thought patterns in your internal commentary. Try to get a feel for how you talk to yourself when you make a mistake or things don’t go as planned. Next, write down the words and phrases you use to describe yourself. The goal is to reevaluate and challenge these self-sabotaging thoughts to see yourself through a more compassionate lens.
To give an example of this activity… let’s say you fail an exam. If your immediate reaction is “I’m such an idiot, how could I be so stupid? I’m NEVER going to get into graduate school now,” it’s helpful to know that your brain is trying to protect you from failing and wants you to succeed. However, by being so tough on yourself, it’s actually doing the exact opposite! In this scenario, your disparaging response to the failing grade would call forth the need to reframe your inner dialogue. You could ask yourself, “is there a kinder way to approach this?” A great example of reframing can be, “Why am I labeling and defining myself to be an idiot for not doing well on one exam? People rarely have perfect grades throughout their entire academic careers. This one grade doesn’t determine my value and ability to do well in the future.” Refer to this model when trying this exercise out for yourself. Practice reframing your self-critical thoughts to reflect a more self-compassionate voice. A loving supportive voice can be just the motivation you need in times of hardship.
- Appreciate the interconnectedness of humanity
Sometimes when we’re suffering, we tend to think no one else has it as bad as us. We magnify our own pain and minimize the pain others may be experiencing. When we get caught up in our emotions and fixate on the negative aspects of our lives, it can be hard to feel connected with others. We may start to compare ourselves, drawing fine line distinctions between us and them. A universal truth of life is that everyone suffers at one point or another. Take time to step away from yourself to view things in a broader picture. Recognize the fact that over 7 billion people in this world are trying to navigate through life’s waters! Try to bring awareness to and appreciation for the interconnectedness of humanity. When we start to embrace both the joyful moments of life and the inevitable moments of suffering, we can embody a different outlook on ourselves and those around us. When we’re struggling, it can be comforting to remind ourselves that it’s a part of the human experience. It’s important to reach out to people and let them know how you’re feeling… And it’s just as important to be an open ear to listen when someone else is feeling low. It helps us all to feel more united with one another and diminishes feelings of isolation. To have compassion for ourselves is to have compassion for all of humanity!
Self-compassion can be learned over time.
It can be difficult to give ourselves compassion. This may be especially challenging for those who have experienced a habitual pattern of self-criticism for years and years. The encouraging news is that self-compassion can be learned over time if you work hard at it! You can unlearn maladaptive thought patterns and become your own source of comfort and warmth when confronted with internal and external challenges. Working with a therapist can help you explore the roots of your thought patterns, overcome the obstacles of self-criticism, and most importantly, cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself!
<Photo Credit: Giulia Bertelli via Unsplash>
This blog was written by Christie Schmiemann, BA while interning with Gina Della Penna, LMHC. Christie is a Mental Health Counseling student enrolled in the masters program at New York University. She holds a BA in Psychology from Hofstra University. The information in this blog is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy. The content was reviewed and approved by Gina Della Penna, LMHC.