Are you the one others count on to get things done? You know, that “go-to” person to whom coworkers, bosses, family members, partners, friends or communities turn for help.

In some ways, it can feel awesome, right? You feel productive, competent and capable. People need you. Maybe you feel some satisfaction coming to the rescue. If you’re super lucky, you get a good amount of acknowledgement, praise, or appreciation.

People Pleasing

Problem is, often “people pleasers” (fixers, helpers, rescuers) find their way into the counseling room at some point. They come in stressed out — drowning in to-do’s or spread too thin. Maybe even resentful of or angry at others who seem to be taking advantage of their helpful natures. Sometimes they are suffering with other types of seemingly unrelated symptoms such as panic, physical or digestive discomforts, or sleep issues. Anxiety and/or depression may be onboard as well.

One of the first things that is important for people pleasers to understand is that they have inadvertently gotten themselves into this predicament. Unknowingly, they have taught others that it’s okay to ask (or to even expect) them to disregard their own personal needs – simply by always prioritizing the needs of others before their own. That can be difficult to accept, however understanding their contribution to the problem can also start to empower people pleasers and initiate change.

For many, it’s just easier to say “yes” rather than “no.” Can you relate? Maybe saying “no” makes you worried that people will be disappointed with you, or worse, they will think you are mean, selfish. Is the thought of someone being unhappy with you, even temporarily, almost unbearable?

Saying “Yes” to Someone Means Saying “No” to Someone Else

And that someone you are saying “no” to is probably you. In the workplace, you may be neglecting your own responsibilities or burning out by taking on the work of others. Some more subtle areas you may be saying “no” to yourself could be:

  • Self-care: Exercise, quiet time, reading, preparing healthy meals, doctor’s appointments, time off, sleep.
  • Relationships: Time spent with your partner, children, pets, extended family, friends.
  • Environment: Housekeeping, organizing, simplifying.

Saying “no” to yourself time and time again. When did that become acceptable? How is that alright? Could it be that doing for others provides a convenient out for not addressing some of your own needs? Why might you be avoiding your needs?

  • Lack of self-worth: Do you feel like your needs are less important than those of others or that you are somehow undeserving?
  • Uncomfortable acknowledging your unmet needs: Do you feel you must show the world (and maybe yourself) that you are okay, strong, or have it all together? Showing vulnerability can be very uncomfortable.
  • Not knowing where to begin or how to tackle your needs: It may be difficult to identify and admit to what you are lacking. And if you do know what your needs are, it can seem daunting to figure out how to begin to get them met. Easier to focus on someone else rather than yourself.

In therapy, getting to the deep roots of the issue can prove very enlightening and helpful for significant change to occur.

Assertiveness Training

People pleasing often resides where assertiveness doesn’t. Assertiveness is a way of communicating in which you honor and respect your own needs — in addition to the needs of others. There are many techniques for increasing assertiveness skills and often, in therapy, they can be learned and honed. This helps people learn how to say “no” in a firm but respectful way. The more you start doing it, the easier it becomes.

If you find yourself stressed out doing too much for others, it may be beneficial to explore the matter with a licensed therapist or counselor. Finding the balance between saying “yes” and saying “no” could be just what you need to live life well.

 

<Photo Credit: Tim Gouw via Unsplash>